The Bible teaches that rebellion is a terrible sin, and is not to be tolerated.

Deuteronmy 21:18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: 19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; 20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. 21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

As parents, I believe that we need to take most of the responsibility for our children's behavior. As a father, I know that God holds me responsible for how my children are trained, and for what they are exposed to. Decisions my wife and I make can have great impact on their lives. Our failings as a parent and as a human being can also have a great impact on their lives. I believe that we should make our parenting one of our most important priorities in our lives. It requires a lot of prayer and grace from God to raise Godly children. As the commercial says: "You can pay me now, or you can pay me later." Is it worth the extra time and work to be so diligent in seeking to raise Godly children? I believe so.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Psalms 127:3 Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. 4 As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. 5 Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

Here are some problems that I believe can cause Rebellion in our children. These are not an attempt to be an exhaustive list, but it is what I have learned so far.

1. Hypocracy - When our actions to not match what we say, our children are always the first to see it. When we are dishonest on our taxes, make stupid excuses as to why we couldn't make it to church, or lie about our children's ages to get a lower price, what are we teaching our children? We can tell them to they are blue in the face that "Thou shalt not lie", but when we continue to lie, what do they really think is OK?

How would you react if you were constantly told to do what is right, but then your parents didn't care? What would our children think is easier? Surely it must be too hard for our parents to be Godly, so why should they expect us to be Godly?

I believe that God would have us constantly (daily) seek to examine our lives for sin and remove it. There is still sin in my life. And yet it is my desire to keep growing, and to keep working to purge it entirely from my life. My children have seen me struggle, but they have also seen me working to improve. They know my heart's desire is to be Holy and seek after God. If this is not our honest desire our children will know it.

2. Passive Rebellion - These thoughts are a reflection on some words I heard several years ago at a "Back to Patriarchy" conference I attended in Northern, Virginia. I do not remember the brother who shared this portion of the seminar, but his words have been a good influence in my own families life. Here is a common cause, and many of us don't even know that we are encouraging our children to rebel. In case you are not familiar with this term, this is what happens when we force our children to do what we want them to do, but don't work to make sure that their hearts are in agreement with our commands. This is what happens when the mother forces her child to sit in time out, and yet if you could see this child's heart, you would see that in their own minds they are standing. This is passive rebellion, and unless it is stopped, our children will eventually learn to rebel in other areas of their lives. We must seek to teach our children that what they did was wrong. We need to take the time to teach our children why the Bible teaches this is wrong. It is important that we teach our children the why, or they will not understand they may feel like we make up rules as we go along, and they may think that these rules are unfair. When they believe that things are unfair, they will grow bitter, and this will lead to rebellion. The Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) focuses on our attitudes. Having the right behavior is not enough.

For example, say we tell one of our children to go wash dishes. They may feel that this is their brother's or sister's job, and may start to share their reluctance. If we give them a dirty look, and yell at them that they better go do it or else, they may comply, but in their hearts they are angry. They may feel that we have treated them unfairly. My wife and I believe that it is important to teach our children that they are to obey our commands when we give them. We do encourage them to ask questions, but we may not have the time at that point in time to explain our reasoning. For example, recently I was working outside with my boys building a barn. This was a project and not a normal chore. I asked my daughters to do some of their brother's chores, because they were busy helping me.

One of the things I have taught my children is that we need to seek to KNOW GOD. By coming to KNOW GOD, we will learn to LOVE & TRUST GOD. When we learn to LOVE & TRUST GOD, we will be able to OBEY GOD. If we do not OBEY GOD, it is because we do not truly LOVE & TRUST GOD. If we do not LOVE & TRUST GOD, it is because we do not KNOW GOD. My job in teaching my children is not to OBEY GOD, but to help them get to KNOW GOD.

This is also true in our relationship with our children. As our children come to KNOW our hearts and desires for them, they will learn to LOVE & TRUST us, and then they will find it much easier to OBEY us.

One of sons came to us some time ago and shared that he didn't feel like we always treated him fairly. He thought that we demanded much more of him than we did of his other brothers and sisters. He also felt we were much harder on him when we disciplined him. We agreed with him in much of what he had to say, however we explained to him that we are doing this on purpose, and that what we were doing was fair. He is more capable than his brothers and sisters, so we expect more of him. The Bible teaches that to whom much is given, much is expected (Luke 12:48). We also explained that we need to discipline him to the point that he learns to agree with what the Bible teaches. We are not always perfect, so we seek to always be willing to listen to respectful questions. We may not have the time when he first wants to raise these questions so we take the initiative to set a time with him when we have the time. It is our responsibility to get back to him. These times helps us to understand his heart, so we know where we have failed to explain things to him. Ultimately, we remind him that God has given us authority over him, and that we seek to do our best at all times. We admit when we occasionally make mistakes. Another thing I want to point out here is that we do not allow him to play one of us parents against the other. This can take much time, but we have seen very good fruit from our efforts.

We also explained that we are also giving him more authority over his brothers and sisters, which is both a privilege and a responsibility. This gives us an opportunity to teach him now how to be a good servant leader by having him practice with his brothers and sisters. We also explained that some of his brothers and sisters might not require as much discipline to change their hearts. When a child expresses genuine repentance, there is not as much need for correction. This will not remove consequences, but they have already started to change their behavior, because they agree with us in their hearts. God chastises us until we learn our lesson. Parents need to be just as faithful in teaching their children.

It is important that we take the time to change not just our children's behavior, but to also teach them why what we are teaching them is Biblical. When our rules seem arbitrary, our children do not learn the general guidelines

3. Peer Influence - Good friends are great. However, unGodly friends are terrible.

Proverbs 13:20 He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.

If you desire a much deeper understanding on Sheltering your children from UnGodly influences, I would suggest that you read the articles:

http://members.aol.com/Boldcl/shelter1.htm and http://members.aol.com/Boldcl/shelter2.htm

Many of the bad things our children learn are because of the time they spend with unGodly children. We are much more particular than most when it comes to allowing our children to spend time with some other children. We want to know the parents, and we are much more comfortable when the children are in our sight where we can watch them. Most of the bad habits I picked up were learned from other children. Think back over your own life. Think about the people you know. Think about some of the bad habits your children can learn from others: Profanity, Pornography, and Promiscuity. This is one of the primary reasons I do not want my children in a public school.

Whenever exposure to other children pulls your child's heart further from you, then it's time to stop those relationships. This require much time on the parent's part to constantly evaluate the relationships they have with their children, but we have learned that it is far better to teach your children this concept and why you are doing it at an early age.

©2000 by Phil Kent

*Used with the Permission of the Author*